16 June 2006

This is the end... My only friend... The End.

And out of the chaos
There arose a singularity
A dense, crushing soullessness
An ebony speck on existence

The chaos shuddered before its might
Before its relentlessness
Before its Order
The chaos streamed into the irresistable gravity

And leading the way
Paving the road before this invisible,
Terrible monument to destruction
The lawnmower man...

26 May 2006

Congratulations, Mr. Ratner... You Suck.

Imagine you find yourself in charge of the development and production of the third in a trilogy of commercially succesful niche movies. There is an established audience and story line so all you have to do is study those films that came before you and the path to greatness is cleared to you. You do have some obstacles to overcome, such as the reputation of the previous director and the expectations of that fan base, but unlike Star Wars, you are not trying to please 30 year fans who have sugar coated the originals. Also, the previous director took his quality writers to his other film so you will have to find some writers who can bring continuity to the characters, story line, and film style. Not an easy task, but not impossible with the backing of a studio prepared to ride this franchise into a fine summer payday.

The only true albatross around your neck is the attractive, but overrated actress in your cast, who does not like her role or the fact that role could be axed and only her fans would notice.

So what do you do?

Deliver the film that the fans expect with a bit of yourself interlaced within it?

No.

You take a film that most any reasonable fan could have written with great success and drive it completely into the ground. You turn witty one liners into a slapstick series of overcooked gags. You turn several of the most anticipated casting choices into brief cameos, under used characters, and gimicks. You are willing to kill off characters in a nod to surprise, but manage to wring anything resembling interest, emotion, or excitement out of the moments. You drag out the drama and shortchange the audience on the action.

Your name is Brett Ratner.

Wolverine cries 3 times in the film. Thank you. I hoped he had a soft side. He is bad-ass, hard core, and apparently a massive cry-baby.

Kelsey Grammar does a decent job as Beast, but his scenes are trivialized and his interaction is far to pointless.

Juggernaut is underused and is defeated by a girl who looks 12 years old. Not exactly "unstoppable."

Colossus is screwed yet again and his big moment is his opportunity to "throw" Wolverine. He should not be a member of the X-Men. He should be a member of the Phillies bullpen.

The love triangle between Iceman, Kittie Pride, and Rogue is weak and under developed. I hate "love triangles" and I thought it needed to be bigger. Rogue gives up her powers in what amounted to a spur of the moment snit over a hug.

The new characters were introduced with more of a "ta-da!" than with any sort of built up story. It was a series of winks to the comic following audience. It felt like the end of a play or musical, where the cast runs out on stage to take their bows.

So with what are we the fans left? Charles Xavier, Jean Gray/Phoenix, and Cyclops received ignomious ends. Magneto is hinting at a return of his powers. Rogue and Mystique are human. Wolverine is whiney. And a trilogy that could have ranked among the best is left sorely wounded.

Perhaps we can all agree to pretend it never happened. Brian Singer can return to do X-Men IIIa and right this injustice and Brett Ratner can go hide in a crack den in LA and help write Rush Hour III: The Last Stand.

11 May 2006

So How Do I Like My Christmas Toys...

It has been almost two weeks since the NFL Draft and there has been a request for my opinion on how my Eagles did in the draft. I would love to say that I am riveted by our selections, but they were not big name guys at exciting positions. Our first two selection were a defensive tackle and an offensive tackle.

Hmmm. I suppose the best way to express my feelings is to steal a line from the bizarrely addictive movie, "10 Things I Hate About You."

I am whelmed.

With the 14th pick of the 2006 NFL Draft, the Eagles select Broderick Bunkley, Defensive Tackle, Florida State University. Nice name. He is the #2 rated D-lineman in the draft. He is a physical beast. He played very well for a university I hate, but he was so-so in the Penn State-Florida State BCS game last year. I have high hopes for an improved pass rush and some solid run defense. We almost traded up to get this guy, but he fell into our laps. Is that good draft management or luck on the part of the Eagles front office? My Grade: A

The Eagles targeted several players to select with that 1st round pick, but they focused on two. Bunkley and offensive tackle Winston Justice from USC. Justice has a bit of a maturity problem, with a "gun" offense using a toy pistol in what was described as a prank on a friend. It was not a hold-up or a shake down, but perhaps it is a really stupid idea to pull a gun, toy or not, on someone who, OOOOOPS, turns out not to be your buddy, but some unsuspecting passerby. He looks very talented on film and he was the #2 rated OT on the board. Justice was slotted by the "experts" to go anywhere from 8th to 18th. He fell all the way into the second round. My Grade: B for the pick, and A+ for the potential value.

Chris Gocong. Who? You know, Chris Gocong. Oh.

Who?

Gocong played at Div I-AA Cal Poly as a defensive end and led the NCAA in sacks. The Eagles are projecting him at left outside linebacker, in which case, he will need to learn pass coverage. He is probably my favorite pick in the draft since he has the potential to be dynamic, create matchup problems, and really make plays. That is prospect speak for, "I think he will be all over the field and could turn into a very exciting player." That is the kind of player I have waited for the Eagles to draft. Besides, when the Eagles have dipped into I-AA, they have come out with players like Brian Westbrook from Villanova. Not to shabby. My Grade: A

Max Jean-Gilles was an early (as in January) projection in the first round by the Donut Shoppe's favorite head, Mel Kiper. He slipped some in most projections down to the second round. The Eagles moved around and snagged him in the fourth round. More good value. Despite the value and the potential run blocking Jean-Gilles could provide, this is not my favorite pick. I was rooting for Maurice Stovall, the wide receiver from Notre Dame. J-G also has injury issues. The end result of this pick is a great value for a 4th round pick and if he lives up to his original stature, great for us, if he bombs, we lost a 4th rounder. A good pick whether I like him or not. My Grade: B+

Jason Avant looks like a good possession receiver without the exceptional receiver size. He could be a blazing success and a fine #2 receiver or nothing. That is what you get with 4th round picks. He had some hype and could have gone higher in the draft, but he has potential and will clearly be a wait and see guy. My Grade: B

Jeremy Bloom. Olympic skier. Model. Wide receiver. Punt and kick returner. Could be an amazing pick there in the 5th round. I love his explosiveness and his speed. One thing I look for in a punt returner is that first step after he catches the ball. Is he looking or is he moving. Jeremy Bloom is moving. He looks as good returning punts as J.R. Reed did prior to his bizarre injury. The only downside to this. Bloom looks good on tape that is 2-3 years old. He has not played in a while and it may take some time to get into the groove. My Grade: A+

Omar Gaither and LaJuan Ramsey. 5th and 6th round picks respectively. What can I say? They play football. I do not know anything about them. I suspect they have 10 fingers and 10 toes. I am guessing two eyes or they may not pass the physical. My Grade: Orange

So there it is folks. My opinion of the Eagles draft. I liked it. It was not "WOW! HOLY HELL, WE GOT SO AND SO..." But we did pretty well and were pretty lucky and like they say...

It is better to be lucky than good.

25 April 2006

Draft Sweet Draft...

It is Christmas in April for the Vike and I.

The Vike not very Viking-like at all really, but this red-headed Pole and I will be firmly placed infront of the TV eating cheese products and chips for an ungodly amount of time on Saturday, as we watch men 4-8 years younger than us become instant millionaires.

We will discuss the upsides, throwing motions, and whether a lineman has a wide enough butt to stop the run. We will ridicule the "highlights" of certain players that somehow show him getting plastered on 4 straight plays. We will cheer when our team follows our brilliant strategy and demand the heads of the front office when they stray from our vision.

I know the Vike is looking forward to his Minnesota Vikings (hence, the Vike) drafting a linebacker in the first round, but what if Jay Cutler falls to them at 17?

I will be screaming bloody murder if the Eagles take Winston Justice from USC. I demand a linebacker who can actually tackle people. Unless one of the mighty somehow falls to us at 14.

So here, in all its glory is THE... DEFINITIVE... MOCK DRAFT...

it is my first time... be gentle

1. Texans Bush
2. Saints Ferguson
3. Titans Leinart
4. Jets Williams
5. Favres Hawk
6. 49ers Davis
7. Raiders Young (His career dies in Oakland)
8. Bills Justice
9. Lions Huff
10. Cardinals Cutler
11. Rams Greenway
12. Browns Ngata
13. Ravens Wimbley
14. Eagles Bunkley
15. Broncos D. Williams
16. Dolpins Holmes
17. Vikings Sims
18. Cowboys McNeill
19. Chargers Jackson
20. Chiefs J. Williams
21. Patriots Carpenter
22. 49ers Joseph
23. Buccaneers Moss
24. Bengals Hill
25. Giants Whitner
26. Bears Youboty
27. Panthers White
28. Jaguars Mangold
29. Jets Maroney
30. Colts Allen
31. Seahawks Lawson
32. Steelers Ryans

23 March 2006

V for Vendetta or why we should march right down to DC and blow up the White House and Congress.

As many of you know, I am a geek, but I am not really a comic book geek.

I like superheroes (bite me DC and Marvel, if you think I am paying royalties for the word superhero), but I never got into the whole comic book scene. I tried, but 1 page of drawing for 17 pages of advertising is not my style, even as a 10 year old. But do not get me wrong, Superman, Batman, and Spiderman were staples for me except the first and last were animated characters (and Christopher Reeve) and the middle was Adam West which is essentially the same thing.

Why the boring insight on my pre-adolesence?

I never read V for Vendetta. I had no real preconceived notions of the movie other than the fact that Natalie Portman is very attractive, burgeoning on hot, Hugo Weaving is a great actor, and I think the Wachowski Bros. try to make their movies interesting.

When I left the movie, I wanted to go blow up Congress. Ok, I think Congress should be blown up as a matter of principle, but V for Vendetta truly appealed to me on several levels. As a guy going to a comic-based actions movie with plot it was really, really good. It was not all action, but the plot moved well and the story points were well presented. The action was exciting and visually interesting. The dialogue was both thoughtful and dramatic and V's introductory speech was just shy of laugh out loud funny.

But the big selling point for me was the socio-political message the movie was presenting. I do not claim to know the details of the Gunpowder Treason. I knew the basics before the movie, Guy Fawkes, Parliament, etc..., but I can not swear that I would have agreed with Fawkes the person or his ideals. His message, however, I agree with wholeheartedly.

That does not mean that I specifically advocate the unplanned demolition of government buildings, but the fact that the people have resigned themselves to the role of child to the government's parental figure. We ask the government to protect us from the words drugs, guns, terrorists, violence, hate, disease, poverty, oppression, racism, sexism, pornography, and whatever scary thing that led the news last night.

That is the behavior of children. "Mommy, don't let the bad man get me." "Daddy, Billy was mean to me on the playground today. Make him stop." "Hey, Government. I want you to make me believe I live in a Utopia. Protect me from racists. Protect me fom violence. Make the bad men stop."

The government, on the other hand and depending on your point of view, is either the overprotective parent or plays that role to advance the corrupt agendas of those that dwell within it. They assist in manufacturing the level of fear and then make their bold moves in the "how" of the solution.

If you want the racists/sexists to go away, they establish laws and quotas. Rather than the proper solution of allowing society to adjust to its own changing make up. We ask them to force us to learn to play well together. All that does is increase the animosity between groups. Forcing a racist of any color to face to work with the objects of his hate will only increase the anger.

You want to stop violence, they make the legal process surrounding firearms rather than punish the violent offenders. The rich and famous are found carrying unlicensed firearms and we trash them in the media for a day, followed by a small fine and some community service. I do subscribe to the NRA mantra that we are making it harder for people who already follow the law to get a gun. Those who would shoot a man for his wallet are not concerned with whether their gun is licensed. More the point, they prefer it not be licensed. In our demand for protection they set laws to guarantee jailtime until it is our friend or relative facing that time and then we demand leniency and social understanding of a person who made a mistake.

Now we constantly hear the rhetoric of terrorism after decades of thumbing our noses at the Middle East and other known regions of high terrorist sympathy. We dared the terrorists to strike our soil. Once they did, people scrambled to toss their civil rights and freedoms into the fire so that Father Government would protect us from the evil terrorists. Those outsiders. Those ragheads. Where was our concern for racism? Where was our concern for tolerance? Now we have a president (embarassment) who stands before us, calling us liberators and damning the people, who whether you agree with them or not, feel they are defending their homeland from invaders. Are they being manipulated just as we are?

It has spun out of control.

So how does this relate to a movie about a comic book character?

It can be summed up in a simple line from the movie.

It is not the people who should be afraid of their government, but the government that should be afraid of its people.

Our government does not fear us. The vast majority of people want the soldiers brought home. Yet they stay in Iraq. The government tells us that we should give up our rights so it can protect us from outside forces. Yet it sells our ports to outside companies. Everytime a real concern arises in the government, they push some less relevant hot-button issue to distract the masses. Abortion. Immigration. Racism. Or some other socially dividing issue so that we can fight amongst ourselves at the kiddie table, while the parents discuss the important topics.

What was the message of V for Vendetta? That we would all be very sexy in Guy Fawkes masks and large knives?

No.

Perhaps it was that Natalie is still pretty good looking with her head shaved?

No. But that is a good point.

It is the fact that until "We the people" get our acts together and realize that we hold the key to every social issue that faces us and that we do not need the government to "help" us decide the right stance on these issues, the individuals in power will continue to do as they please to help their chief supporters, both domestic and abroad, and leave us to pay their bills. It is very easy to be rich, when you are not paying your own way. We squabble over the small picture, while the big picture is moving on.

The message of the picture was unity. If we would put aside our personal issues and focus on the government's misdeeds, it would crumble before the sheer force of the masses. It may not be the sexy, explosive finale of V for Vendetta, but the country "of the people, by they people, and for the people" will not perish from the earth.

20 March 2006

Busted Down By Family...

"You have not updated in so long, I had to drop you into a lower category."

Excuse me?

Five minutes earlier, I found out I had readers... albeit poached readers.

Are poached readers like poached eggs? I love poached eggs. Poached is a great word... but that is someone else's skit.

Back to my point, I have been dropped a level on a very popular website. The wife's very popular website. MY WIFE'S WEBSITE. What happened to love, honor, cherish, feed, conjugal visits, and not dropping the husband's website on your link list?

I feel so used. Clearly it was my drawing power that caused the huge groundswell of support for her fledgling site. My shear animal magnetism bringing people in to the fold in droves. But now...

Et tu, Brute...?

So I went several months without updating. Who was I letting down?

But now I am told I have readers...

THE PRESSURE.

Ummm...

huh...

yeah...

[insert your own witty banter here]

OK! So my dear nonexist... oh,... my dear EXISTING reader(s?) I will make a more concerted effort to release my nuggets of wisdom, my pearls of genius, my oysters of...

Anyway, I will try to be more diligent in my work.

Besides, I need something to do in class anyway...

Utter chaos has returned...

Lock your doors. Bar your windows. Hide your red meat. The man has returned.

By the way, to those who may have sent me a black and white hat, representing a certain World Championship baseball team that had not won in 88 years, for Christmas, a VERY VERY belated thank you. It is awesome and the wife can tell you how frequently I have worn it.

Coming soon....

V for Vendetta or why we should march right down to DC and blow up the White House and Congress.

[Please forgive me for my future lack of posting after I am incarcerated without legal representation by the Secret Service for that last line]

11 January 2006

Superman Returns. So does Kong.

I can not wait for this movie to come out. King Kong was great but I was not necessarily a great fan of the original. Superman has the potential to have me babbling like an idiot. I loved Christopher Reeve as Superman. These movies were right in my wheelhouse and my childhood was all about Superman and Starwars. It will be embarrassing though when The Great Short One has to bail me out of jail after I am arrested for running through our neighborhood with a red towel and my underroos.

No one wants to see that, but tough. KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!

Back to a movie that has actually hit the theaters, King Kong was a great adventure movie that will unfortunately suffer from a perception of not being as good as LOTR. As far as I am concerned, on the geek scale, LOTR only comes second to Starwars and that is because Starwars can not be overcome. But King Kong deserves some credit for being a great adventure film that is well acted, well shot, and the effects are incredible. I really liked it and while I give it a 9 out of 10, it is not in the same super-elite class because I do not have the nostalgic feeling for it.

OK. I wrote. More. Later.